Wheelchair Fashion: Still Ballooning
After my last big flare this summer I ballooned, massively. I mean I went from a 33 inch waist to around a 38/39... I was okay with that you know; I didn't like it, it wasn't me any more but I could live with it. It was something I could learn to cope with.
Over Christmas I had another flare & I started to balloon again. Anyway so I started to track my calories, I decided to set myself a 1500 calorie goal since I don't move that much & it's unlikely that I'm burning many calories. Since then I have gone over that goal maybe 4 times & never to more than 2000 calories, I had a stomach bug where everything that went into my body (including water) was coming out again & I didn't eat for 3 days (and no more that 500 calories for 3 days after that).
I have also gained more than 8lbs & around 6 inches on my waist.
I am aware that for some people with M.E. weight gain that has nothing to do with what you are eating or drinking is a thing & that people gain weight faster when they are stressed or ill or not sleeping properly.... I also know that my body type hates loosing weight but loves gaining it...I could tell you the facts for days but the truth of the matter is that this is not my body, this is not the shape that I am & it is making me miserable.
It's not like I loved the body I was in before - I had a roll of flab under my boobs that has upset me for years & I have never liked my arms - but I felt in control of that body. If I had decided that enough was enough I could have done something about the tone of my arms or that roll of flab around my middle. Now I know that even if I starved myself nothing would change (seriously after my stomach bug I was the exact same size...). Even worse I know that no doctor or dietician in the world is going to believe that I am not getting bigger because of what I eat...
Honestly I'm not sure why I'm telling you guys all of this except that this is a good place to get all the self loathing & depression type feelings I've been getting off my chest.
The stupid thing is I look at these pictures & I'm thinking why am I stressing, I don't look my best (all I can see is the fat around my face and the fat that makes my boobs look weird) but I don't look as bad as I am seeing myself in the mirror but then I remember that these are pretty much the only clothes I have left that fit me & that I had to fight my way into that bra & that my shape wear doesn't fit anymore & that I'm now too big a waist size to buy clothes from any of my favourite shops & I stop feeling quite so confident....