The Trouble with Words
One of the things with my M.E. that affects me the most emotionally is the way I struggle with language. It affects me every day, I struggle to comment on friends posts, or write posts of my own. I struggle to remember things I need to do that involve writing more than I struggle to remember anything else & I get tired fastest when reading, writing or thinking word/number based things through.
A long time ago, when I was still coming to terms with my M.E. & was trying to finish my A-Levels I remember having a moment when I could physically feel my thoughts taking longer. I can't explain it but it was like my thoughts were driving through my brain & the motorway was closed so they were having to take side roads. When I focused it was almost like I could feel the part of my brain that wasn't working.
As my M.E. has progressed I started to find creative things much easier than I found analytical things. I started to process things visually rather than analytically in a way that was totally foreign to how I was before. I had always dreamt in words (no pictures at all) & suddenly my dreams were totally immersive & in full colour. I used to think everything in words & make lightning fast connections from one concept to another in a way I can't even describe any more. I remember it, I know it is missing. It was the thing that made my brain my brain & no body else's & with out it my world feels really slow & dull & I feel really detached from it.
I used to love writing, it was my one creative talent, & I was pretty good at it. Now I put off writing tasks until the last minute because like a kid with a piece of maths homework. I know it will be hard, tiring & I know it won't be any good however long I work on it.
I have a pile of cards on my desk I want to send to friends & I've been putting it off since January because I'm so scared of sitting down to write them. I have so so SO many post I want to write, some that would really mean a lot to me, that I just can't seem to get done because I just can't find any words to say what I am trying to say. I am pushing myself away from the spoonie community partly because of my crippling shyness but also because talking to them would mean forming rational sentences regularly.
I know part of my problem at this point is that I know I can't write the posts or the cards or w/e & so I fail because I know I will but there is a real problem at the base of it & it's a problem that is getting harder all the time. I can't find anyway to fix it but I guess if you guys know about it I might not feel so embarrassed about the gibberish I write & say.